Ramblings of a Lunatic

Lent

I’m not very religious, but I feel like I should do something for Lent. I don’t think that I have ever made it through Lent without giving up on my goal. I know we are supposed to give something up, but I started Lent off with a big piece of white “birthday” cake so there went my idea to give up sugar.

Instead, I have decided that I will be active during this period. I am going to do something every day of Lent. Wow. That is a really broad goal. Sadly, that is what I need. I am perfectly content to just lay on the couch all day watching mindless tv. To be a little more clear, I plan to do something in the way of cleaning or exercise every day. 

I spend a lot of time stressing about the clutter in my house and about my weight. My house is a big dumping ground for all of my mom’s stuff. There is just so much stuff! My mom has been gone for almost 3 years and I am still completely surrounded by all of her things. I can’t continue to just blame my sister about this, it is my responsibility also. I need to go through and pack up everything I don’t want and move it into just one room. That way I don’t have to see it every day and my sister has a place that she knows to go to when she is able to go through stuff.

So far, I am doing good. Yesterday I cleaned off a wonky bookshelf that was in the cat’s room. I put the bookshelf outside because it is not stable. I went through all the stuff on it, trashed some and organized the rest. It was all jewelry/beading stuff of mom’s. Currently it is all sitting out on my dining room table, but it will make it onto a built-in bookshelf soon.

Today I decided to tackle my walk-in closet. Oh, boy! I didn’t finish, but I’m tired so the rest will wait for tomorrow. After I took all my clothes out, I decided I wanted to put my “good” coats into the hall closet. I cleaned that thing out (and actually finished it) and got rid of some of mom’s stuff I don’t want to keep. I also found a few boxes of comics. I think they were all superman comics, but I didn’t look too closely. At some point in the future I will find out if any of them are worth anything.

I ended up going through half of my clothes from the closet and getting rid of a ton of them that I never wear and am never going to wear. The rest of the stuff I need to go through but didn’t because I was tired went back in the closet on the flour. So much to do, but I am feeling good about actually starting to work on the house. It needs to be done and when I am finished I will feel so good! Hopefully I finish before Easter.

First Week

So my first week of weight watchers concluded on Monday with my weigh in. I lost 4 pounds! Yay! I managed to lose 4 lbs and still eat a pint of ice cream throughout the week. Now that’s something! Also on Monday I found a website (skinnytaste.com) that has so many yummy recipes and includes the points plus for all of them. It makes it soooo easy to stick to ww without just relying on the same old boring foods. I have already made chili and tonight I made santa fe chicken. Both of these were made in the crockpot and were so incredibly easy. Just dump everything in and 6 hours later I have dinner! I also made a skillet meal from the ww website, but it was nowhere near as good. It is an ok meal that will fulfill me, but it was kinda boring, even after I added spinach to it.

The problem I usually have is that I am only cooking for myself, no one else. I always end up with too many portions or I have to eat the same thing for lunch and dinner for a week. That gets old really fast. The great thing about these recipes is that they can be frozen! I have 4 portions of the chili in the freezer and will be putting 4 of the santa fe chicken in after it cools tonight. So next week I can either have more of that stuff, or try new recipes. It makes me happy that I have options and that the food won’t be going to waste.

Can’t wait for my next weigh in! I went to the movies and had a small popcorn and large diet coke (too much coke) and it only cost me 8 points. I’m not sure if I trust that so much. I also splurged at Bunco on Tuesday. The food was so yummy and I probably ate too much. There were also truffles at the table while we were playing and I just kept grabbing them throughout the game. They tasted so good and melted like butter in my mouth. That means that they are really, really, really bad for me. I hope that I still lose weight this week. Only challenge left before my weigh in is Kristen’s b-day dinner tomorrow night. I don’t think it will be too bad because Kara is on ww too and is good about finding yummy food that’s not too high in points. I know I will have to be good about sticking to portion sizes and the healthy aspects of the meal, but I am not skipping out on the cake. Mmmmm, birthday cake is the best!

First Step

So I made the first move, took the first step… I finally joined weight watchers. I know I have been talking about my weight issues for a while. I have been planning to join, but never got around to it. I mean I even committed to joining last week, but didn’t until yesterday. I’m proud of myself.

It’s harder than I thought it would be. I get 36 points a day, plus 49 extra for the week. Yesterday I had breakfast before I signed up and had lunch right after (but before checking the points). I discovered that I had gone through all my points for the day! Wtf? Everything was more than I thought it would be, and the cheese didn’t help (I had to put half of it away). I also had lots of juice that just added to the points without filling me up. Even just yesterday alone, I learned a lot.

I used 4 of my “extra” points for an edamame dinner (that was actually satisfying) and I think I did good!

I’m going to better today and plan some meals out for the next couple days and get some good food at the store. I know that I need to have the healthy stuff on hand (and eat it instead of the crap!) in order for this to work at all.

I am also going to try to be good about exercise. I already have a weekly date set up with Lizard (hi!) to go walking. I figured that once a week was a good place to start and then work up to multiple days.

Gotta go now, my dogs are going to start gnawing on me if I don’t feed them :)

… self pity?

Life is a disappointment. How do I change my attitude? I don’t want to always have these high expectations that are never met. I wish that all the people I surround myself with and love would feel the same about me and make the same effort, but I know I should expect it, yet I do. I set myself up for disappointment. Life isn’t fair!

I am getting more and more depressed and don’t know how to make it better. Maybe it’s the holidays, maybe it’s that I have nothing in my life to be proud of, but I don’t know what to do. 

I signed up for a dating website (ok, I had Liz {thanks!} sign me up). I’m thinking of closing the account because I have nothing to offer anyone. Why would anyone want to date me? I have had a couple of guys contact me, but nothing has happened. I feel bad about it, but I feel bad about everything in my life, so it’s nothing new.

I’m not suicidal or anything, so don’t worry. I think I’m just having to come to grips with the fact that the people I love and would do anything for don’t feel the same about me. I’m just someone who can do something for them when they need it. Not enough to make me happy, but that’s my own fault.

Yay!

So I finished the quilt in time for the X-mas gift exchange. Yay! I feel guilty that I haven’t finished Lizard’s quilt, but she didn’t actually graduate so it’s ok. Cal Poly f*cking her over benefitted me a little. (J/K Liz!)

I have to finish another quilt by Christmas because I am planning on giving it as a present to someone who will actually appreciate the handcrafted work. So much to do!

My back is still hurting so I took today off from quilting to give it a rest. Throwing it out last week was not fun. What was fun last week was going to D-land! I had a great time.

My back pain has gotten me to think more seriously about my health. I have done a questionnaire and gotten some information for weight-loss and for exercise/stretching for my back. Also according to the questionnaire, I am depressed. I’m not sure if that is really true, but I think it might be a little. Holidays are hard without family. Friends are great, but it’s still hard.

I joined an online dating site, but I haven’t contacted any of the guys who contacted me. Some of them I’m just not interested in (the guy couldn’t spell to save his life, and another wasn’t into books!), but others I am interested in. I think I’m just scared and nervous and lazy all rolled together. Ugh. I need to get over myself!

X-mas list

Toms

Boots

Amazon gift card (for kindle books :)

The closer it gets to Christmas, the more I forget what I want. By the time people start asking me what I want, I can’t remember and usually just say a movie that I saw a commercial for on tv. This year, I’m going to start writing it down earlier, but I will probably forget that I did this and end up listing a random movie anyways. Oh well.

Working Out & Life

So I’m doing ok with my working out. I did 50 minutes on the treadmill on Thursday before Bunco, as well as finished painting a bedroom at Trish’s house. My back really hurt that day so I knew I was going to rest on Friday. Saturday rolled around and I really didn’t feel like doing anything, so I didn’t. I was good again today and did a tough 30 minutes on the treadmill that actually involved some jogging. I need to continue to up the speed on the pre-programmed workouts; the presets just don’t challenge me enough.

My ex has sent me a couple messages today wanting to talk. This is the first time since the blow up that he has messaged me when he is sober. He has previously sent me messages when he was drunk. How did I know he was drunk? The messages were sent after 4 am his time and the week there always seemed to be something on his fb about his being drunk. That doesn’t really make me want to talk to him, especially when the first 2 were him yelling at me for not talking to him and hurting him.

On to happier thoughts, the Weinerbergs come back in a week and a day! So excited to see all of them, especially the babies! Can’t wait!!!

I got my hair cut/colored. It’s darker than it was, and I think next time I will go even darker or do the ombre thing my hairdresser is obsessed with!

I need to start eating the stuff in my freezer and not buy anything else for it. There is just so much stuff in there and I want to clean out the extra freezer so I can unplug it.

That is all for now.